dear devin.

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09
21

update

494 days clean! so close to the big 500 i cannot WAIT to celebrate 

school is going pretty well. im hanging out with people and making study habits for the tests that we’re finally having. and joining a church and a few clubs just to make my life less boring so yay go me.

abram came to spend the weekend with me this past week. and it was the fucking b e s t. friday we just stayed in and hung out with maddie and nat and stuff. saturday maddie left and we stayed in bed all day like usual. just laid around in our underwear like the happiest couple ever. and then we went to china palace and to the movies to see guardians of the galaxy, which really was not bad at all. and then we came back and walked around and then came back to bed and got all hot and such. we tried to do the do but he couldnt, which was fine with me really i didnt care at all but he felt so bad and embarrassed it was pitiful. but at like 6 am he woke me up and we finally did it. so im not longer a virgin TURN UPPP it was great and it didnt even hurt. im just. mm im so fucking in love its crazy. im head over heels for this kid and i wouldnt have it any other way because i know he feels the same. im the luckiest girl in the entire world. hes my everything. 

09
06

479 days clean

im happy and lonely. temptation is kind of real, but only on some days. i just miss my friends and my baby. oh well.

08
26

468days clean though. somehow

08
26

sorry i would hardly ever do this but i dk

fuckkkkkkkkkkk. im having such a freak out right now why do i do this why why why. why do i always shut down and push away abram deserves so much better why cant i be better for him. theres no way he thinks im perfect no chance in hell im such a bad girlfriend. i need to stop i just. fuck. i really wanna cut right now my arms are like yelling at me through my veins i just wanna throw up and rip my arteries open. i need to try for him i told him i would and im already going back on it he just deserves the best and im not the best at all but i dont want him to be with anyone but me god i fucking SUCK

08
05

updatebenlik

hmm it’s been awhile.

july 4th was fun. got really drunk and high at chris’ house with a lot of people. it was nice, one of the best days all summer.

warped was fucking AMAZING this year. easily the best year ive gone. it was beyond perfect. i went with trimms and hannah. we stayed in a nice hotel after. and it was a good chance for me to drive to charlotte and get a feel for the drive and the distance from home. 2 and a half hours passes by a lot faster than you think. but yeah it was amazing. it wasnt beating hot all day. everyone was so nice, abram spent the afternoon with me. it was just amazing. i saw state champs first of the day hehe. GOD they were so perfect. i wanted to cry the entire time. and i met all of them at their signing. ryan said he liked my southern accent. i told evan how much i loved his drumming. antonio asked how i was and that he liked my shirt. tyler and i talked about tumblr. and derek liked my shirt too hehehe he even asked me where i got it and if he could hook me up with mod omfg hes so perfect. i got a picture with him and it was probably the best moment of my life. then i saw crown the empire. they were hot as ever. then me and hannah got lunch and caught the end of the maines set. then we saw the end of beartooth’s set cause hannah got the stages mixed up. and when we were in line to meet attila i heard the story so far so that made me happy. then we met neck deep oh my god oaieha;anioc they were great. ben is so hilarious in person, we talked about his birthday and stuff. fill lloyd and the other guy (oops) were pretty swaggy. dani was hot as FUCK in person my god. but yeah i loved meeting them it was so great la la la great. anyway we saw issues’ set next which was flawless of course. michael bohn waved to me hehe. then we saw some of neck deep but had to leave early cause hannah’s bitch ass wanted to see attila. they were hilarious, the crowd was insane for them im so glad we werent in it. then when we walked back to main stage i heard some of we are the in crowd but only like a verse of one song haha. we saw we the kings and motionless in white and of mice and men and we ended our day with echosmith. which was GREAT cause they werent crazy or hype they were chill and cute. it was such an amazing day i was so fucking happy.

speaking of happy i’ll update you on the boyyy. things honestly get better every day. he really does give me a new reason to believe that hes perfect daily. july 17th he ate me out for the first time it was gr8. the 22nd we spent the day together and then went to the fall out boy and paramore show together. it was so nice having him to sing to and dance with.hes so perfect. and our three months is today hehe. he just gives me everything i dont deserve and he treats me so fuckin good im not used to it. im falling in love with him more than i have for anyone. he makes me feel so good about everything and he just means the world to me. im gonna miss him so much when i go to school.

which is in 8 days. holy shit i cant believe the time has come already. its so weird. like i feel like graduation was yesterday and here i am about to move to an entire new city to start a new part of my life. its crazy. things are about to change forever. im so fuckin scared haha but im really excited too. im ready to grow up. 

oh and just sayin but im a huge ass bangin 447 days clean. i cant believe im so close to the big 500. id never thought i’d see this day but im going to. im so proud of myself. 

07
01

update

okay well florida was great. it was nice to get away from north carolina. and i loved going to universal and riding coasters and all that. i was sick of hannah about halfway through the week and it hasnt been the same since, but she’s still my bff. and i didnt get as tan as i wanted but oh well.

wisdom teeth went great! im having a really good recovery. i just miss food a lot. i think tonight is the first night we’re gonna go out and try to eat. but yeah im doin well having a speedy recovery and not all that painful im really thankful actually.

boys? uh richard is gone at camp for three weeks. my ex garrett friended me on facebook and texted me haha. he’s still as off hill as ever, poor kid. my two months with abram is coming up hehe. god he gets more perfect every day. yesterday he came and brought me mashed potatoes and he kissed me and cuddled me while i had no make up on. and he still called me pretty. like what the hell man this kid just came out of nowhere and stole my heart. i cant imagine being without him now. and my mom makes it difficult and college will too but i honestly think that we’ll make it. he’s worth it.. so worth it.

yeah life is actually pretty good. i dont want summer to end or for college to come but at the same time im ready to be in charlotte and start my life. its weird, this summer is crazy.

oh and im 412 days clean, almost at the lucky 420(; man im proud of myself. 

06
14

not really an update i just need to fucking vent.

okay this isnt really why im here but why is post concert depression a thing. fucking daily. DAILY. i think about blackbear and mod sun. how happy meeting them made me, how happy they are being successful. they dont even remember me.. i was just another face in the crowd to them. but getting a picture with them, hugging them and seeing their smile. they were so perfect. im in love with both of them and its horrid. i just sit here and listen to blackbear and read mod’s book and i just want to cry. im on the verge of tears right now. they both so fucking perfect and it kills me. i need them and they’ll never have any idea. what the hell is wrong with me. AND THEY WERENT EVEN THE MAIN ACT T MILLS WAS AND I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

also. my dad broke my computer. and i cant download any new music like i used to be able to. and i need like 500 songs cause we’re going to florida for a week and a half tomorrow and my music is the only shit i have to keep me any form of sane so far away from home. so props to my dad being the one to make me feel like hell again. over a damn computer. lol once again what is wrong with me. im crying over illegal music. im so fucked up jesus. still blaming my dad though.

fuck i just want to sleep in abrams arms and not wake up for awhile. my head just needs to be cleared. 

06
04

update

i can’t even begin to say how much has happened in the past two months. i don’t really know why i havent been on here, ive opened it and never written anything numerous times. hopefully i’ll keep it updated now that i’m on summer break.

okay first off, i am 384 days clean. i totally missed my one year and marking it and celebrating it. but hey i can celebrate now! im almost at 13 months, thats crazy. i really never thought i would see myself reaching a year. temptations are definitely still there, and there’s no doubt that if i got the chance to put a bullet through my skull i’d take it. but i really am happier, im stronger, im better. im proud of myself. i just hope i can stay this way into college.

college. i have a roommate, shes so cute! we’re gonna be really close i already know it. we have a really shit housing assignment but thats okay i hope we can make the best of it. but im really excited. graduation is in a few days and then i have orientation right after. it’ll be a blast, im so ready to shed my catamount skin and become a 49ner :)

other news, im getting my widsom teeth out soon, im going to florida for a week and taking hannah with me, I WON FUCKIN PROM QUEEN GET TURNT uhh. yeah.

okay boy time. april 16th i told abram that i wanted to be with him. and things have been flawless since. im falling for him ten times harder than ive fallen for anyone else. he’s absolutely perfect. our official one month is on thursday, but it feels like we havent even broken up since middle school. he just makes me so fucking happy. its been complicated cause i cant tell my parents cause they think he isnt mentally stable enough, which i understand but i know he’s strong enough for this. but i plan on staying with him. through summer, through college. he’s all i want and more, theres no one better. we’re made for each other, and im so glad i realized that. 

so yeah life is good right now. im sure something will happen and it’ll be fucked again but oh well haha. im happy, im clean, im ready to face the real world. things are good.

04
13

update

301 days. i cannot believe i’ve made it to over 300. it seems impossible, but here i am… how crazy.

uhh few updates: i went to asking alexandria march 18th, geazy march 31st, t mills mod sun and blackbear on april 1st. all great shows, all great times. t mills was one of the best shows ive been to in my entire life. i cant wait for him to come back to nc.

im officially going to charlotte for college. im more than excited, now that ive made a choice i just wanna get there as fast as i can. but i have to pass precalc first haha.

im not friends with zach anymore LOL. he was just too much of a bitch for me. also i’m on prom court :) and prom is in two weeks so im super excited about that.

boys:

im done with richard. hes too much of a slut for me. im still going to prom with him because we’ll have a blast. but he’ll never be more than a hook up for me, which kind of sucks. but hes going to wilmington so im sure after summer we wont even remember each other.

abram.. oh boy. i dont even know where to start honestly. i gave him mod suns book for his birthday. and after he read it he said he learned a lot about himself and his relationship with me. and we were good i guess. we were trying to be friends but idunno it was tense. and then this past thursday we went to the canes game together. it was so fun, im so glad he took me. i just felt so comfortable with him, things are so easy. i wanted it to be a date, and if i told him that he probably wouldve said the same. but yesterday he was telling me how he’s accepted the fact that we cant be together. which i dont know if its true. cause i want to be with him, to work on us. but prom and summer and going to college i just dont see it working out. i just need advice. i dont want to keep dragging him on or me on. its just confusing, as usual.

04
13

b-a-b-y-m-a-m-a-deactivated2014 asked - "How would you describe love?"

violent-choices:

Love is destruction. You destroy all that you know to delve into something you have barely any control over. Love is risk taking. It’s trust. It’s honesty. It’s compromise. It’s everything you’re afraid of but know you deserve. It’s religion. It’s power. It’s magic. But more than anything, it’s destruction.