it has been one of my greatest dreams to beat the living shit out of something at least once so god fucking help anybody that ever tries to assault me because i will be brimming with every violent urge that i have ever tucked away in my entire life
269 days clean.
feels weird how close to a year i am. just less than 100 days away. i’m also surprised i’ve been able to stay clean this long. especially with this shitty year.
a boy from my school named josh killed himself last friday. i never met him or knew him, but a lot of my friends did. i feel terrible, i feel like i shouldve done something. at least he’s in a better place.
school sucks. i can never stay awake and im doing terrible in a majority of my classes. i just want to give up.
okay boy time. so about two or so weeks ago i went to lunch with abram. it was great! we got qudoba and caught up and talked about music and stuff. and we’ve been getting super close lately. i’ve been indulging in memory lane a little. remembering how good he was to me and how happy i know he’d make me now a days. and this past saturday he told me he still loves me. he went like all out, straight told me everything.
this past saturday i also hung out with richard. things have been marvelous with him. we went to the mall to get his tie for prom. and when i took him home he kissed me. something i’ve been waiting for for a year. it was nothing less than perfect.
monday i told abram about richard. i told him i still love him, that ive always loved him. but i cant be with him because of richard. it hurt me so much to hurt abram like i have before. he had his hopes up about us, hell i did too. it was god awful.
also yesterday, richard told me he promised his best friend at woods he’d go with her if she didnt have a date. keep in mind this girl wants richard so bad she’d fight me for him. and he’s ditching me to go with her. so now i’m down one prom. and my mom hates richard for doing that to me.
and i hate myself right now because if things dont fucking work out with richard i broke abrams heart for nothing. i gave the one guy i’ve always loved for nothing. idunno. i hope in the next week shit gets figured out or i’m screwed for life. i just wish shit would work out for me for once.
my life went from perfect to shit in three days. three fucking days.